My worst sports nightmare
By
Stephen Forsha-sforsha@gmail.com
There are many, many things in sports that get on my last nerve. For example, if you know me, I am very loyal to my teams, and for that reason, I can't stand bandwagon fans or fans who change their shirt to the opponent's after the team on their original shirt lost a baseball game they attended.
Yes, I had two friends in the stands who saw this happen Monday night at Great American Ball Park. From what I was told, the so-called Reds fan took off his Pete Rose jersey and replaced it with a T-shirt of the New York Yankees as he left the ball park.
Being seated next to that traitor would have been one of my sports nightmares. I'm glad my buddies told me they yelled in his direction following the game. I really hope he heard them.
Back to this sports nightmare thing I've been thinking a lot about.
Let's say if I was sentenced to a ultimate sports nightmare for the rest of eternity and well, let's say it wasn't that nice of a place to be … what would that nightmare consist of?
Well, this is what I imagine it would look like. Yeah, I know this is morbid, but think of this as a way for me to get everything I don't like about sports off my chest.
The first thing I notice about this building is it bears a striking resemblance to the old RFK Stadium where the Washington Redskins used to play football … and where they were actually good.
When I look up, there is a flagpole, and on that pole are a Cubs "W" flag and a flag of Jeff Gordon from his heyday when his pit crew was named the Rainbow Warriors.
Shudder. The worst thing is my arm automatically salutes these flags like I respect them. This is going to be bad.
Remember, I said this was a nightmare. I am so not enjoying this. Not at all, especially now that I realize how hot the weather is in this nightmare.
Now as I stand outside of this structure which resembles probably the worst football stadium I could ever imagine, I look down at my shirt and realize it is probably the worst piece of sports clothing ever sewn together … a camouflage NFL jersey of Ben Roethlisberger. Why do I hate them, you ask? You can barely see the numbers, plus I'm not a fan of jerseys other than the actual jersey colors.
Freddy Krueger nightmares have nothing on this monstrosity of a piece of football clothing, but I'm not a fan of a regular Steelers jersey, so yeah, this is even worse.
OK, well, the doors finally open, and this is where the nightmare gets even worse … who is there to greet me with a hearty hello? None other than Brett Favre, but he can't make up his mind whether to let me enter this stadium-like structure or not.
After finally getting him to commit to let me inside, the walls make me sick to my stomach. The wall are covered from top to bottom with photos of Ryan Leaf and Drew Henson while playing for the Dallas Cowboys. Bad times.
Now, I hear some voices over the loudspeaker that sound like something similar to "Pardon the Interruption" … but these voices are annoying, and the argument is over who knows more. Yep, this nightmare has just gotten scarier with a non-stop argument of Jim Rome vs. Skip Bayless.
The rambling finally stops, and I keep walking and turn to my right .. here we go, a room that looks to be full of intelligent sports fans. Finally.
These fans look like my kind of people, wearing the colors and logos of all my favorite teams. As I keep walking through the crowd, I can hear the conversations the group is having.
"Tony Romo is the best Dallas quarterback, ever."
"The Reds need to trade the farm system away for Jose Reyes."
"Nobody is better at baseball than the Yankees."
"Chris Bosh is a great player."
"Poker is a sport."
"Da Bears!"
Wait, oh good gawd … this nightmare continues to gradually get worse, and as I leave the room full of bandwagon fans, another voice comes over the speaker … no, no, no, no, no! The voice I hear is Avery Johnson talking about bask-et-ball!
Again, the noise finally stops, and as I start to wipe away the sweat off my forehead that the Ohio State cap was unable …. WHAT?!
After I throw the Buckeyes cap to the ground (we all know I cheer for Joe Pa), I keep walking until I hear the roar of a crowd. Yes, this is actually a football stadium, and yes, there is a football game going on.
Wait, yes, this is awesome, it is American football.
The usher has a striking resemblance to snowboarder Shaun White. Oh well, he's directing to to a primo seat … 50-yard line, nice. Great, this is finally going my way.
Then I realize I'm seated right in between a person reading a book at a football game, and the other person? Nope, he's not a drunk … in fact, I'd laugh about that. He's not a Redskins fan. No, he's the guy who starts the wave! Yes, this is my worst nightmare … not just the wave, but the wave at a football game in the first quarter.
I just realized I am the guy who is wearing a jersey of a team that isn't being represented on the field … great, this is embarrassing.
Something about this game isn't right. The teams do have matching jerseys, one dark, one white, but different helmets. Oh no … this event is a Pro Bowl, and not just any old Pro Bowl, but a Pro Bowl featuring players representing teams they ended their career with, not at the top of their game.
I see Jerry Rice in a Broncos practice jersey ... wait, there is Emmitt Smith with No. 22, but he's wearing the Arizona Cardinals colors.
Yep, there is Joe Montana playing for the Kansas City Chiefs and Thurman Thomas in Dolphins colors. He's talking to Tony Dorsett in an orange-crush Broncos jersey, and is that Franco Harris in a Seahawks jersey? Hey, there is Brett Favre again, in Vikings colors, but he just switched to a Jets jersey. Wait, back to his Vikings colors. There is Joe Namath wearing Rams colors. Ha, there is Deion Sanders when he played for the Redskins. Rumor has it, he'll play the second half in a No. 37 Ravens jersey.
Randy Moss in a Titans jersey just said hi to me. He's standing right beside Chris Carter in Dolphins colors. There are others, but seeing Reggie White in a Carolina Panthers jersey hurts.
This has to be the worst football game ever, and that is before I see Vince Lombardi coaching one of the aging veteran teams while wearing a Redskins hat, which was the last team he coached.
The game was finally over, ending in a tie, and well, the lights finally go out at the stadium.
Then I hear a loud BOO-YAH!
I wake up, and look around. Yes, I'm at home, and there is no sign of the unfashionable NFL jersey, the Buckeyes cap, the Cubs "W" flag or Johnny Unitas in a No. 19 Chargers powder blue jersey.
Finally, my worst nightmare is over.
Did I just hear Dick Vitale?
Stephen Forsha is the sports editor of The Highland County Press. He can be reached at sforsha@gmail.com
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Yes, I had two friends in the stands who saw this happen Monday night at Great American Ball Park. From what I was told, the so-called Reds fan took off his Pete Rose jersey and replaced it with a T-shirt of the New York Yankees as he left the ball park.
Being seated next to that traitor would have been one of my sports nightmares. I'm glad my buddies told me they yelled in his direction following the game. I really hope he heard them.
Back to this sports nightmare thing I've been thinking a lot about.
Let's say if I was sentenced to a ultimate sports nightmare for the rest of eternity and well, let's say it wasn't that nice of a place to be … what would that nightmare consist of?
Well, this is what I imagine it would look like. Yeah, I know this is morbid, but think of this as a way for me to get everything I don't like about sports off my chest.
The first thing I notice about this building is it bears a striking resemblance to the old RFK Stadium where the Washington Redskins used to play football … and where they were actually good.
When I look up, there is a flagpole, and on that pole are a Cubs "W" flag and a flag of Jeff Gordon from his heyday when his pit crew was named the Rainbow Warriors.
Shudder. The worst thing is my arm automatically salutes these flags like I respect them. This is going to be bad.
Remember, I said this was a nightmare. I am so not enjoying this. Not at all, especially now that I realize how hot the weather is in this nightmare.
Now as I stand outside of this structure which resembles probably the worst football stadium I could ever imagine, I look down at my shirt and realize it is probably the worst piece of sports clothing ever sewn together … a camouflage NFL jersey of Ben Roethlisberger. Why do I hate them, you ask? You can barely see the numbers, plus I'm not a fan of jerseys other than the actual jersey colors.
Freddy Krueger nightmares have nothing on this monstrosity of a piece of football clothing, but I'm not a fan of a regular Steelers jersey, so yeah, this is even worse.
OK, well, the doors finally open, and this is where the nightmare gets even worse … who is there to greet me with a hearty hello? None other than Brett Favre, but he can't make up his mind whether to let me enter this stadium-like structure or not.
After finally getting him to commit to let me inside, the walls make me sick to my stomach. The wall are covered from top to bottom with photos of Ryan Leaf and Drew Henson while playing for the Dallas Cowboys. Bad times.
Now, I hear some voices over the loudspeaker that sound like something similar to "Pardon the Interruption" … but these voices are annoying, and the argument is over who knows more. Yep, this nightmare has just gotten scarier with a non-stop argument of Jim Rome vs. Skip Bayless.
The rambling finally stops, and I keep walking and turn to my right .. here we go, a room that looks to be full of intelligent sports fans. Finally.
These fans look like my kind of people, wearing the colors and logos of all my favorite teams. As I keep walking through the crowd, I can hear the conversations the group is having.
"Tony Romo is the best Dallas quarterback, ever."
"The Reds need to trade the farm system away for Jose Reyes."
"Nobody is better at baseball than the Yankees."
"Chris Bosh is a great player."
"Poker is a sport."
"Da Bears!"
Wait, oh good gawd … this nightmare continues to gradually get worse, and as I leave the room full of bandwagon fans, another voice comes over the speaker … no, no, no, no, no! The voice I hear is Avery Johnson talking about bask-et-ball!
Again, the noise finally stops, and as I start to wipe away the sweat off my forehead that the Ohio State cap was unable …. WHAT?!
After I throw the Buckeyes cap to the ground (we all know I cheer for Joe Pa), I keep walking until I hear the roar of a crowd. Yes, this is actually a football stadium, and yes, there is a football game going on.
Wait, yes, this is awesome, it is American football.
The usher has a striking resemblance to snowboarder Shaun White. Oh well, he's directing to to a primo seat … 50-yard line, nice. Great, this is finally going my way.
Then I realize I'm seated right in between a person reading a book at a football game, and the other person? Nope, he's not a drunk … in fact, I'd laugh about that. He's not a Redskins fan. No, he's the guy who starts the wave! Yes, this is my worst nightmare … not just the wave, but the wave at a football game in the first quarter.
I just realized I am the guy who is wearing a jersey of a team that isn't being represented on the field … great, this is embarrassing.
Something about this game isn't right. The teams do have matching jerseys, one dark, one white, but different helmets. Oh no … this event is a Pro Bowl, and not just any old Pro Bowl, but a Pro Bowl featuring players representing teams they ended their career with, not at the top of their game.
I see Jerry Rice in a Broncos practice jersey ... wait, there is Emmitt Smith with No. 22, but he's wearing the Arizona Cardinals colors.
Yep, there is Joe Montana playing for the Kansas City Chiefs and Thurman Thomas in Dolphins colors. He's talking to Tony Dorsett in an orange-crush Broncos jersey, and is that Franco Harris in a Seahawks jersey? Hey, there is Brett Favre again, in Vikings colors, but he just switched to a Jets jersey. Wait, back to his Vikings colors. There is Joe Namath wearing Rams colors. Ha, there is Deion Sanders when he played for the Redskins. Rumor has it, he'll play the second half in a No. 37 Ravens jersey.
Randy Moss in a Titans jersey just said hi to me. He's standing right beside Chris Carter in Dolphins colors. There are others, but seeing Reggie White in a Carolina Panthers jersey hurts.
This has to be the worst football game ever, and that is before I see Vince Lombardi coaching one of the aging veteran teams while wearing a Redskins hat, which was the last team he coached.
The game was finally over, ending in a tie, and well, the lights finally go out at the stadium.
Then I hear a loud BOO-YAH!
I wake up, and look around. Yes, I'm at home, and there is no sign of the unfashionable NFL jersey, the Buckeyes cap, the Cubs "W" flag or Johnny Unitas in a No. 19 Chargers powder blue jersey.
Finally, my worst nightmare is over.
Did I just hear Dick Vitale?
Stephen Forsha is the sports editor of The Highland County Press. He can be reached at sforsha@gmail.com
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