The constant unwanted companion

By Dr. Andy and Renie Bowman
Coffeetimecolumn.com
andybowman839@gmail.com

Shaun's main goal in life is to never make a mistake. In fact, he will bend over backward in every area of his life to make certain that never happens. 

The FEAR OF PUNISHMENT from childhood is so engrained into him that allowing even one mistake in his world cannot be tolerated. That fear has led him into an adult prison of rigid rules, absolute perfection and arrogance. All of his own making.

Tom won’t even try to begin his own business, even though he is aware that he could get the financial backing it would take. His desperate fear of failing has kept him paralyzed and working for someone else for the last 20 years. He is trapped in his panic of losing everything financially, and also his overwhelming anxiety of being "the family failure." 

As a result, he lives his life suspecting that he is just a coward and a loser. That suspicion itself and his FEAR OF FAILURE is tanking his self-worth. 

Piper lives with a secret. Her deep fear of having to deal with life alone. That haunting anxiety is creating her sharp tongue as she picks constantly at the faults and weaknesses of her chronically ill husband. His inability to function at his former high levels constantly reminds her of terrifying possibilities, and causes her FEAR OF ABANDONMENT to stay kicked into high gear. 

Russell controls his kids with punishment – threatened and also real – should they make the smallest infraction of his rules. He grew up in a household that had less financially than all the other neighbors. And to make matters more difficult, he didn’t have the perfect model family of Dad/Mom/Kids like all the popular kids in school. Even though the other kids at school didn’t really deliberately embarrass or shame him, he still felt different from the others. 

Therefore, now as an adult, he is determined to make himself and his family absolutely perfect. SHAME is his constant, unseen, all-controlling companion. 

Julia is seen by everyone around her as pretty standoffish, a loner to the bone. No one suspects that every evening she walks the floor of her home, waiting for the phone to ring. So lonely, but yet too afraid of being rejected to pick up her phone and reach out to someone. 

Cindy works in the same office as Julia. She is the girl everyone calls…to bail them out when they need help. She is easily manipulated, and they all know Cindy will never refuse to lend a helping hand. 

Envious and Lonely Julia doesn’t know that Popular Cindy is struggling with resentment at being constantly used, but yet she can’t say “NO,” because of her fear of being disliked. Both ladies are dealing with the results of the FEAR OF REJECTION. 

You just might recognize yourself in one of these mirrors. Most likely we all can. But recognizing ourself is a good first step to healing our self.

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