Dogs, cats, lawyers, guns and money

Dogs, cats, lawyers, guns and money

   I’m hiding in Honduras

   I’m a desperate man

   Send lawyers, guns and money

   The (stuff) has hit the fan.

   – “Lawyers, Guns and Money,”

by Warren Zevon

   If the late Warren Zevon had given it a little more thought, I’m sure he’d prefer today’s headline over his famous 1978 song title.

   For those less familiar or altogether unfamiliar with Zevon, he had one stellar album, “Excitable Boy,” that came out when I was still in high school. Most aficionados believe “Werewolves of London” was the best song on the Album. (An Album is an older and much larger version of the CD. Unlike a CD, you can play an Album on both sides, provided you can find a Turntable — which is an older and much larger version of the CD player.)

   Never mind.

   Zevon, of course, died in September 2003. He had a lifelong fear of doctors. I always enjoyed his frequent appearances on the various David

Letterman shows. Less than a year before his death, on Oct. 30, 2002, Zevon was Letterman’s only guest for the entire program. He (Zevon) was dying of

cancer. The “Late Night” band played “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” as his introduction.

   (As someone who has averaged about four or five hours of sleep per day for three decades, I can appreciate the song.)

   Zevon had been a guest on Letterman’s show off and on since 1982. On this night 20 years later, he acknowledged, “I may have made a tactical error in not going to a physician for 20 years.”

   You’ll have that.

   A few months after his death, Zevon received two posthumous Grammy awards and five Grammy nominations, including Song of the Year for the

ballad “Keep Me In Your Heart,” from “The Wind” album. (For the definition of an album, please see above.) The posthumous awards were the first Grammys of Zevon’s career of more than 30 years.

   Zevon’s ashes were scattered into the Pacific Ocean. If I have any say in the matter, when the time comes a hundred years from now, I hope mine are

scattered in the Gulf of Mexico...

***

   So, as we all heard in the ongoing capital murder proceedings from the Highland County Common Pleas Court, “We can’t cross-examine a dog.” No kidding...

   Capable defense lawyer William Mooney made this point quite succinctly before Judge Rocky Coss earlier this month.

   Capital cases, being nothing to make light of, I’ll refrain from seeking a professional Dog Whisperer for the court. (Lawyers probably can’t cross-examine a Dog Whisperer, either. Shhhh...)

     A serious point worth making in this sad and tragic ordeal is this: Judge Coss has mandated a sunset clause on plea bargains. After Sept. 24, the state must spit or pick cotton. It’s either plea bargain early, or put 12 in the box and go to trial.

   Not a bad policy to follow on many cases. Might even save taxpayers some money. After all, as William Gladstone might have said, justice delayed is justice denied.

***

   Remember when the city of Hillsboro’s biggest problem was Stray Cats? No, not THE Stray Cats, as in “Rock This Town,” but real stray cats. No kidding. All hair balls aside, it wasn’t that many years ago when I reported on a city council meeting and the biggest concern was not of:

   • Pending litigation;

   • Where to place the new firehouse;

   • Pending litigation;

   • Where to put the police department;

   • How much to pay city workers, or;

   • Even more pending litigation.

   Nope. Back then, in the Good Old Days, the issue du jour was what to do with all the Alley Cats Roaming At Large.

   Earlier this week, I mentioned to a friend that stray cats used to be the city’s No. 1 concern. Really. He replied that a former city councilman had just told him the same thing. Ah, the Memories. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? We were so young and naive back then, almost a decade ago. Almost makes one wish for Cat Scratch Fever over The Daily Lawsuit, doesn’t it?

   I wonder if there are stray cats anywhere near the Fire House or the Parker House? At least cats can climb fences, I suppose. Lord only knows what a pedestrian might do on the south side of West Main Street when he’s forced into oncoming U.S. 50 traffic and a Geo – or a Mack truck – gets too close for comfort. Forcing pedestrians into a U.S. highway doesn’t seem like a grand idea. At least one judge and several lawyers have suggested this is a potential lawsuit waiting to happen. But, then, the city is well schooled in Pending Litigation.

   This past Monday, the owner of the Parker House, obviously not altogether pleased with city government, noted his right to pursue future litigation. 

   This Constitutional right was expressed somewhat better than the classic Redneck Version of a deal gone bad: “I’m a-Gonna Sue Yer Arse Off, Uncle Bub. That truck won’t even turn over and I paid you Cash Money for her, plus my old rototiller to boot.”

   The point, nonetheless, is what it is.

   In response to the Parker House owner, Hillsboro City Councilman David Shoemaker said, “This is between you, your attorney, Ms. Hapner, and Mr. Holt and the administration. Because all the council does is pass the ordinances.”

   That’s what he said, all right. City council makes the rules; but after that, they are granted divine absolution. In other words, just because they agree with their own laws, that doesn’t necessarily mean they approve of the enforcement of their own laws.

   That kind of puts the administration in a bit of a bind, doesn’t it?

Council approves an ordinance, but don’t blame council if it’s enforced?

   This may be legally correct, but it makes about as much sense as the recent Strickland Unhinged video on You Tube. (Or maybe it was the Howard

Dean redux video.)

   Personally, I like the owner of the Parker House. He’s always been straightforward with me. As far as the fence around his Main Street

building, I think it has the potential to hurt more people than it can ever save. My own footsteps are becoming more limited these days and I’d much

rather take my chances with something falling from the Parker House and maybe landing on my hard head, than being forced to dodge incoming semis

when I walk down to Great Scot for a ham sandwich.

   It’s also rather curious how some old buildings are deemed “historical” and thereby worthy of taxpayers’ dollars for renovation, while other old

buildings are just deemed old and decrepit. (Q: If a brick falls from a historical building and lands on a pedestrian, does it hurt any less than

the brick falling from any other old structure?)

   Hillsboro used to employ common sense rather than the never-ending game of one-upmanship. Let’s cut through the bureaucracy and straight to the

chase: The ordinance is on the books. Selective enforcement of it is not.

The ordinance protects the city from possible liabilities which may or may not occur. That ought to suffice. Otherwise, well, there’s always the

proverbial day in court.

   And no matter how many ordinances are written, accidents can and will happen. Personally, I’ll take my chances. Life is a risk, after all.

   Meanwhile, don’t tread on me – and don’t fence me in.

   Rory Ryan is publisher and editor of The Highland County Press.

   I’m hiding in Honduras

   – “Lawyers, Guns and Money,”

   If the late Warren Zevon had given it a little more thought, I’m sure he’d prefer today’s headline over his famous 1978 song title.

   For those less familiar or altogether unfamiliar with Zevon, he had one stellar album, “Excitable Boy,” that came out when I was still in high school. Most aficionados believe “Werewolves of London” was the best song on the Album. (An Album is an older and much larger version of the CD. Unlike a CD, you can play an Album on both sides, provided you can find a Turntable — which is an older and much larger version of the CD player.)

   Never mind.

   Zevon, of course, died in September 2003. He had a lifelong fear of doctors. I always enjoyed his frequent appearances on the various David Letterman shows. Less than a year before his death, on Oct. 30, 2002, Zevon was Letterman’s only guest for the entire program. He (Zevon) was dying of cancer. The “Late Night” band played “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” as his introduction.

   (As someone who has averaged about four or five hours of sleep per day for three decades, I can appreciate the song.)

   Zevon had been a guest on Letterman’s show off and on since 1982. On this night 20 years later, he acknowledged, “I may have made a tactical error in not going to a physician for 20 years.”

   You’ll have that.

   A few months after his death, Zevon received two posthumous Grammy awards and five Grammy nominations, including Song of the Year for the

ballad “Keep Me In Your Heart,” from “The Wind” album. (For the definition of an album, please see above.) The posthumous awards were the first Grammys of Zevon’s career of more than 30 years.

   Zevon’s ashes were scattered into the Pacific Ocean. If I have any say in the matter, when the time comes a hundred years from now, I hope mine are

scattered in the Gulf of Mexico...

***

   So, as we all heard in the ongoing capital murder proceedings from the Highland County Common Pleas Court, “We can’t cross-examine a dog.” No kidding...

   Capable defense lawyer William Mooney made this point quite succinctly before Judge Rocky Coss earlier this month.

   Capital cases, being nothing to make light of, I’ll refrain from seeking a professional Dog Whisperer for the court. (Lawyers probably can’t cross-examine a Dog Whisperer, either. Shhhh...)

     A serious point worth making in this sad and tragic ordeal is this: Judge Coss has mandated a sunset clause on plea bargains. After Sept. 24, the state must spit or pick cotton. It’s either plea bargain early, or put 12 in the box and go to trial.

   Not a bad policy to follow on many cases. Might even save taxpayers some money. After all, as William Gladstone might have said, justice delayed is justice denied.

***

   Remember when the city of Hillsboro’s biggest problem was Stray Cats? No, not THE Stray Cats, as in “Rock This Town,” but real stray cats. No kidding. All hair balls aside, it wasn’t that many years ago when I reported on a city council meeting and the biggest concern was not of:

   • Pending litigation;

   • Where to place the new firehouse;

   • Pending litigation;

   • Where to put the police department;

   • How much to pay city workers, or;

   • Even more pending litigation.

   Nope. Back then, in the Good Old Days, the issue du jour was what to do with all the Alley Cats Roaming At Large.

   Earlier this week, I mentioned to a friend that stray cats used to be the city’s No. 1 concern. Really. He replied that a former city councilman had just told him the same thing. Ah, the Memories. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? We were so young and naive back then, almost a decade ago. Almost makes one wish for Cat Scratch Fever over The Daily Lawsuit, doesn’t it?

   I wonder if there are stray cats anywhere near the Fire House or the Parker House? At least cats can climb fences, I suppose. Lord only knows what a pedestrian might do on the south side of West Main Street when he’s forced into oncoming U.S. 50 traffic and a Geo – or a Mack truck – gets too close for comfort. Forcing pedestrians into a U.S. highway doesn’t seem like a grand idea. At least one judge and several lawyers have suggested this is a potential lawsuit waiting to happen. But, then, the city is well schooled in Pending Litigation.

   This past Monday, the owner of the Parker House, obviously not altogether pleased with city government, noted his right to pursue future litigation. 

   This Constitutional right was expressed somewhat better than the classic Redneck Version of a deal gone bad: “I’m a-Gonna Sue Yer Arse Off, Uncle Bub. That truck won’t even turn over and I paid you Cash Money for her, plus my old rototiller to boot.”

   The point, nonetheless, is what it is.

   In response to the Parker House owner, Hillsboro City Councilman David Shoemaker said, “This is between you, your attorney, Ms. Hapner, and Mr. Holt and the administration. Because all the council does is pass the ordinances.”

   That’s what he said, all right. City council makes the rules; but after that, they are granted divine absolution. In other words, just because they agree with their own laws, that doesn’t necessarily mean they approve of the enforcement of their own laws.

   That kind of puts the administration in a bit of a bind, doesn’t it?

Council approves an ordinance, but don’t blame council if it’s enforced?

   This may be legally correct, but it makes about as much sense as the recent Strickland Unhinged video on You Tube. (Or maybe it was the Howard Dean redux video.)

   Personally, I like the owner of the Parker House. He’s always been straightforward with me. As far as the fence around his Main Street building, I think it has the potential to hurt more people than it can ever save. My own footsteps are becoming more limited these days and I’d much rather take my chances with something falling from the Parker House and maybe landing on my hard head, than being forced to dodge incoming semis when I walk down to Great Scot for a ham sandwich.

   It’s also rather curious how some old buildings are deemed “historical” and thereby worthy of taxpayers’ dollars for renovation, while other old buildings are just deemed old and decrepit. (Q: If a brick falls from a historical building and lands on a pedestrian, does it hurt any less than the brick falling from any other old structure?)

   Hillsboro used to employ common sense rather than the never-ending game of one-upmanship. Let’s cut through the bureaucracy and straight to the chase: The ordinance is on the books. Selective enforcement of it is not.

The ordinance protects the city from possible liabilities which may or may not occur. That ought to suffice. Otherwise, well, there’s always the proverbial day in court.

   And no matter how many ordinances are written, accidents can and will happen. Personally, I’ll take my chances. Life is a risk, after all.

   Meanwhile, don’t tread on me – and don’t fence me in.

   Rory Ryan is publisher and editor of The Highland County Press.